I have done some introspective research regarding my tendency to say “No” right out of the gate to almost any request. While I am making coffee , paying bills or bathing the baby there will be someone asking me a question. Because my mind is busy constantly and now also trying to focus on my task at hand when someone asks me a question while in this state my initial reaction is NO out of pure survival. Of them, not me.
When I am in my focus zone I am aware that I am probably not FULLY listening to the request and if I say ‘yes’ I may not really comprehend what I am actually agreeing to. “mom, can I go play …in the street” – I may hear “mom , can I go play” and say yes and have one less kid to tend to. So to be on the safe side I say “NO”. lol Other times it is simply a request to watch T.V or computer time. Usually, a few seconds later I will say to myself ” what did I say no to?” Now that my focus has changed I have time to reflect , ask more questions to get a more clear understanding and make a more informed response. I will sometimes go to the kid and say ” Sorry, I was in auto-response mode and after further contemplation have retracted my previous response and decided to go with the affirmative regarding your request”. (OKay.. I am probably not saying it in that EXACT verbiage but it sounded better to me. I will apply any excuse to use my brain muscle. :D)
Well , last week my son came to me while I was fully focused on a task and ask me a question in such a way that I had time to fully hear him and the tone was said in a way that made me smile and say ” Oh of course you can sweetie”. !?!?! Um… WTH just happened? :D Was it in the tone? Did it activate my oxytocin level for increased bonding for that moment? lol – research on oxytocin:
Wow.. where is this research taking me? lol – Well, somewhere interesting but not where I wanted to go.
New research. If it isn’t an oxytocin guided response then what? While discussing this all with my sounding board named Totie we decided that it is more of a form of manipulation. – research on ‘You can catch more flies with honey” :
This whole research thing is taking me on tangents! :D Manipulation, convincing or just being polite and nice..which is it? Or maybe its is ALL of them. lol
Babies learn to cry to get attention and get what they want so when they are older they continue to try what works. That isn’t bad that’s survival right?
Okay.. my kids are learning that when mommy is busy they get better response options if they ask the question in a slower and sweeter tone of voice. Is that manipulation? If so I must FIGHT against being manipulated. LOL
What if it’s just survival? They have learned to just say things in a less abrupt way in order for me to have time to really hear what they are asking and absorb it in order to give an answer and a valid reason for whatever answer I choose to give. They are also learning to not, while mommy is having a conversation, say over and over “mom, mom, mom can I ?, mom , mom MOM! “Otherwise they get a great big fat NO! No matter what they are asking for, milk or candy…doesn’t matter NO because you have irritated mom. They are learning to gently touch my leg or shoulder and wait for me to find a pause moment in the conversation so I can fully focus on what they need.
Then one of those sites brought up another good point. What if it isn’t manipulation but just the art of convincing? What if those two are the same thing? And just like with lies they can be used for good and for evil. LOL
*sigh* Oh ok.. so I have learned that my kids have learned the ‘art of convincing’ in order to help me fully hear what they are asking. Is that so wrong? No. And it caused me to do research and learn stuff and that isn’t bad either.
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